As we enter the winter holiday season, many of us will, despite the pandemic, spend more time with family whether physically or virtually. Throughout those interactions, there is the potential to continue long running grievances and disagreements. How can we overcome the past and establish more loving relationships with our family members?
The Buddha described a central psychological problem which rings as true today as it did 2500 years ago. In the Pali language it is called sakkaya ditthi, which some Buddhist scholars today translate as “the I am conceit”. In modern psychology, sakkaya ditthi is sometimes called “ego.” In short, sakkaya ditthi represents the set of our own character flaws that we cannot see.
One aspect of sakkaya ditthi is described by modern psychologists as “attribution error.” Attribution error is the tendency to attribute my own actions as a justified reaction to something someone else did while attributing the actions of the other, not as a reaction to what I did, but to his or her character. If both people engaged in a long running disagreement suffer from attribution error, there is no hope for the problem to be resolved. But if one person discovers the antidote, the disagreement will eventually peter out because a person can only argue with himself for so long.
What is the antidote to sakkaya ditthi? Fortunately, the Buddha described a method that would allow a person to examine his own character in order to progressively eliminate its undesirable aspects. The method is to seclude oneself for a period of several weeks and, guided by a teacher through a serious of meditation exercises, acknowledge the thoughts and emotions that arise. Through this method the harmful aspects of a person’s character can be examined and discarded.
We look forward to welcoming you at an upcoming retreat which will help you to improve your relationships with those closest to you. Information about the retreat in January is posted here.